To start things off, let me just say this. Writing the first blog post is always the scariest. I never quite know what to say or how to say it. I always think I comes off pretentious or boring or some horrible combination of the two. But when it comes right down to it, these feelings are just my inner editor doing its best to strangle me yet again. And if there's anything I've learned over the years, it's that as a writer you really have to learn how to turn around and strangle your inner editor right back.
I turned twenty-five this year. I know, not that old, not that crazy a number, not that... well, anything really. There are no milestones attached to 25. (Renting a car maybe? But who honestly cares about adding that ability to life's resume?) You don't get people's sympathy or votes of confidence (30, 40), you don't get a crazy party with lots of alcohol (21, 50 [maybe that last one is only in my family]), you don't even get any cool toys to run amok with (entire childhood). What I got this year amounted to my first feelings of holy crap, I'm old and everyone's assurance that no, you're really not.
But, honestly? The kids who go to the college a couple blocks from my apartment look like just that - kids. And my younger-than-me-by-a-year-or-two friends are still in the college mode of living. When I say I can't go out on a Wednesday night because I have to be in bed by ten, they all look at me like I'm from another planet.
Okay, this blog is not about feeling younger. I have no problem with being twenty-five, and I'm actually enjoying most of the things that seem to come once you start getting farther away from high school and college and living at home. But this 'feeling old' thing got me to realize what it is that I'm actually feeling unhappy about.
I'm just not living up to my true potential.
I think this is one of those things that most people must feel from time to time (at least those of us living in first world blog-reading conditions). We'd like to do more - exercise more, cook more, get out of the house more, get away from work more, travel more, connect with friends and family more... Always this feeling of being inadequate in some way. Like there are things I should be doing, so why aren't I doing them?
For me, this year didn't start terribly well. Although I objectively love winter in New England, apparently my brain chemistry disagrees with shorter daylight hours and I was sinking into what was probably the fifth bout of serious depression in my life. Every other time this has happened to me, I've allowed myself to be confused and helpless in a tangle of dark moods and a lot of lying on the bed and staring at the ceiling. This time, I recognized it when it started happening. I told my boyfriend. I told my family. I told my friends. Everyone said, "Try getting some professional help." Therapy is something I resisted and/or danced around for a stupidly long amount of time. But I was sick of feeling sick, and therapy was one of the only things I hadn't tried before to make myself feel better. So I tried it.
Therapy didn't help at first, and for a couple of weeks I actually thought it was making me feel worse. But I've been going every week for two months + now and I've been finding myself feeling better. Actually feeling better. I'll talk more about depression and therapy and whatnot later, but for now what matters is the part where things have actually been improving as of late. And I've been finding myself really liking this new and improved way of living.
I like feeling better about the direction my life is going. And the more success I find at changing minor things about myself that I've always been vaguely dissatisfied by, the more I want to change more. Change bigger things! Feel A LOT better! It's an addicting feeling.
Kicking my depression without my usual clawing-my-way-out-of-a-tunnel feeling has given me all sorts of confidence and motivation to improve upon all of the other aspects of my life. And this blog is going to be my record of doing it.
Welcome to my year of feeling better! And here's to many more.
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